My Life in Words

Everything is changing so fast. I haven’t updated in while but it’s about time. I have made a lot of ‘big girl’ decisions in the last few months. Like deciding to not return to school next semester, my grades haven’t been too good and I feel like it is just not for me at this moment. I have decided to cut all ties with my parents and move out on my own in may. You guys may think I am crazy to move out on my own at 19 but it’s something that needs to be done do that relationships aren’t ruined. Me and my mom still don’t talk very often at all. I don’t agree with her decisions and living with her just makes it harder. I met a great guy who just moved which is a bummer but I am flying out to see him in May. Super exciting. Cody’s mom text me yesterday it was definitely a shocker. Like I don’t want the past to be brought up so i just didn’t respond. Should I have? I mean I haven’t talked to her since October 8th of last year. If you ask me I don’t think I should have to text her back. But when I saw her name come up on my phone I got so sick to my stomach. Like I got hit. Sorry for ram baling but here is a little update

Change

So many things are changing with my life right now and I am just letting it happen everything is goin to get better with time i just have to make sure to keep my head up and keep moving forward, I have so many things to be looking forward to in the near future like creating so many new friendships with my young life group, moving up here permanently in May and getting to decorate my apartment I am so excited for that.

Letting go

Well tonights blog is going to short tonight with it being my first night home and all. But tonight was the final step of me letting go. I took off the necklace that I have been wearing since January of 09. It is so weird not having it around my neck anymore, I still went to reach for it and was like oh no its not there anymore I have to get used to this. This is the step of letting go for good. That was the last piece of you that was left that is just sitting in my jewelry box now. I am moving on for good. There are so many things headed my way <3 

xoxo 

Flashbacks

Somethings never fail to remind me of you and everything we went through but I am not going to let it get me down.  Yes you think that I made the wrong choice but I told you I was going to follow my heart and do what I felt was right. So yes I broke your heart and not mine because I know in the end mine would have been the one to be broken yes that is selfish but I was doing it for me.  I have always felt the need to put everyone in front of me first and take care of my self last but guess what that is not the way it is working any more I am pleasing my self making sure everything for me is taken care of first. Its what I have to do. 

I may have spent almost 4 years of my life with you. Those were the best and worse times of my life. soooo many ups and downs, yes every relationship has them but I was never expecting it. You were the sweetest guy to begin with and still are but I felt like I could never do anything and I hate you for that. Not that I didn’t have the freedom to do what i wanted but because I felt that I would disappoint you if I did something with out you. You never let me go out. I lost a lot of friends over the duration of our relationship.  I am finally gaining those friendships back and perfectly fine with it. You can go ahead and call me heartless because yes I am very short with you when we do talk on that rare occasion but its because I don’t want to let you back in. I have moved on met new people and you should do the same. I know you are having the time of your life in college, drinking partying getting written up, and that is not me I am studying. Trying to succeed.  Exactly what I said I was going to do. Do things for myself, putting myself first.  The real reason I broke up with you is because our arguing was becoming way to much. I got a 52% on my exam because you decided to start a fight and blow up my phone 5 minutes before. Thanks. Also moving to North Dakota, yeah did not like that either as a matter of fact I hated it since the minute you told me. Yes that is the minute our relationship started to fail. I knew it wouldn’t last but hey I gave it a try. A month that I wish I could take back things got to be way to much for me so I worked up the courage and told you my feelings yeah you hate me for it but I did it for me. Yes selfish but who cares as long as I am happy right? Thats what you told me. As long as I am happy! 

This probably seems like the biggest relationship rant of all time and I could go on and on  but I had to let it out. 

xoxo